It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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