Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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