:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
