so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
