I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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