Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
