i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
