i don't plan on having that self control this summer
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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