Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
