I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
