Taylor Swift is so right about you.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
