SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
