Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
