and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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