Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
