dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
