I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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