i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
