I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
