when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
