I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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