Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
