Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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