Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
