They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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