i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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