i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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