im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
