On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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