if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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