My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
