I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
