Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
