Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
