When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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