Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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