I will die if light touches me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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