I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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