The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
