He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
