You can't motorboat a personality
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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