The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
