Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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