If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
