I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
