Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
