I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
