If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
