Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
