I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
