census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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