I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
