I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
