fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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