did you get engaged???
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
